You Get Paid To Do What?

OK, so I planned to write a blog about the easiest jobs a few months ago and never did it. Perhaps if I had one of the following jobs, I would have had time to finish this very blog:

Construction sign holder - They stand around, holding signs and they get paid more than me for doing it. If my skin were capable of being tan, I’d apply…although the outfits are usually less than attractive and there is always a chance that you’ll get killed by a semi. Otherwise, it seems pretty easy.

Hand model - If regularly getting manicures is part of your job description, then I think you’ve got an easy job. Sure, maybe if hands had moods, being a hand model would be more difficult. “I’m sorry they’re not cooperating, but my hands are really pissed off right now…I mean that guy tried to give them a high five - doesn’t he know who they are.” But hands don’t have moods. As a hand model, you basically have to moisturize your hands, get your nails done and show up. Occasionally you have to hold something and sometimes people adorn you with millions of dollars in diamonds, or you have to wear gloves and diamonds, or occasionally a tarantula and diamonds. (Little known fact: I was a hand model for a Yahoo! Personals photo shoot a year or so ago. And yes, it was pretty damn easy)

Samantha Brown, Travel Channel host - Is anyone else mildly obsessed with Samantha Brown’s job? Have you seen her? She’s a personable, girl-next-door type who happens to get paid to travel the world and film what she sees and experiences. It’s completely amazing to me. Sure, she’s very busy filming, but she gets paid to go to some of the most beautiful places in the world and eat at some of the best restaurants. I want her job!

Vanna White - Every since Wheel of Fortune joined the 21st century and got automatic letter screens there has really been no reason for Vanna White to work. I’m not even convinced that she has to touch the corner of the screen for the letter to appear now…I think it’s all for show. At this point, she’s just being paid to be Vanna White. I’d like to get paid for standing around and being me.

Santa Claus - I’ve told others about my thought that Santa has an easy job and a few just don’t see it. They think that visiting millions of homes in one night is hard work. It’s not the hard work part that I argue about…it’s the one night thing. For 364 days a year, Santa is managing elves. The elves do the work while he sits around getting fat (or “jolly). Sure management isn’t easy, but I feel like there’s a solid internal hierarchy whereby the young elves report to the mid-level elves, who report to the C-suite elves, who report to deputy elves and very few things ever actually make it to Santa himself. You know he’s not typing out the naughty/nice list…he’s off playing a round of golf with the Easter Bunny and talking about the good old days when kids didn’t have two families and suffer from A.D.D.

Naked Cowboy in Times Square - If the word “naked” is in your title, you’re job is easy. Enough said.

Co-host of “The View” - If you have a brain and are mildly opinionated then you’re the perfect candidate to sit ‘round the table on ABC’s “hit” daytime talk show. Every time I watch The View, I think to myself “shit, I could do that…I’m stubborn and witty. Hell, the show would be better if it was only me and auntie Babs chatting it up about current events and her precious dog Cha Cha” - seriously, it would be. As a co-host, your primary responsibilities are to (A) watch E! News, (B) read one New York based paper a day, ( C) make nice with Barbara Walters, (D) be literate enough to read a prompter, (E) be smart enough to not imply that US troops are terrorists on-air. That’s not very challenging. Unless your Rosie O’Donnell, of course.

Voiceover Talent- When I used to work at a TV station, we’d send scripts to some dude who’s job it was to be the voice of WEEK-TV. Seriously, he worked from his basement (from somewhere in Wisconsin or another random state) and talked into a microphone. That’s it. He did this for countless other stations across the country. He got paid to speak and no one ever saw him. Now that I think about it, he may have been a robot, or worse…morbidly obese and completely naked.

Ebert & Roeper - If you think about it, the roles that Roger Ebert and Richard Roeper play in our society it’s sort of mind boggling. They watch movies. That’s their job and, let’s face it, unless there are subtitles in a film, that’s a pretty f-ing easy job.

Knowing that the success or failure of a film was hinging on your inclination to raise or lower one of your phalanges must be a power trip, of sorts. Actors would have to be nice to them, otherwise the next time that Tom Cruise aka Crazy Face, released a movie there could be bad reviews and a possibly groundbreaking review of “One thumb down and a middle finger,” said Ebert and Roeper. And what are their qualifications even…do we know that? Didn’t think so.
Basically two middle-aged white dudes have been given a license to brainwash the American public into thinking that their taste in films is worthy of knowing about. Well, friends…I say f Ebert and Roeper, and hell, why not Siskel. Go forth and watch cinematic adventures - the good, the bad and the ugly (not that film particularly, I mean just those categories of movies…although, who doesn’t love them some Clint Eastwood?).